Endless Pasta*

*Olive Garden should note that providing this option to cyclists results in fiscal losses.

It was an easy call to make. Having cycled 94 miles and burnt something close to 5000 calories, we rolled up to the nationwide chain Olive Garden. The sky, having been beautiful an hour before, now hung low; the dense, black clouds gathered, waiting for the impending show. I didn't even need to see the menu. Kate did, so actually that kind of destroyed the focused "We don't need to see the menu" vibe, but so be it.

The reason we went to the OG? It's the title of the post, and it's only $9 (£6):

This is going to be a massacre...

I once asked a waiter and the internet what the average number of bowls consumed were. Apparently you're doing very well if you can get past your first. No wonder why they keep running this promotion. It doesn't take Rain Man to work out that's a crazy $9 a plate.

Sadly for the the OG's profit margins, a cyclist is not the average patron. The first bowl was ordered, and soon came out. Penne and an alfredo sauce with mushrooms and peppers. It had great flavour and was awesomely creamy, but sadly for the OG once again, all this meant was that it got devoured faster by my monster appetite. It was over in less than 5 minutes; the pasta putting up a next-to-nothing fight, just like Arizona football 1. OHHHH SNAP! The waitress was a little surprised and probably thought I had put half the plate down my shirt. I gave off a 'I never waste pasta, so don't even think it' look and upon realising this, she happily asked if I wanted another one.

"Yes please."

She rushed off to the kitchen. The second bowl came out 5 minutes later and I once again went to town. It was gone in another 5 minutes. I don't even remember what the sauce was. I was too far in the zone now. I ordered a third. It was only then that I looked over at my fellow cyclist: Kate had barely made a dent in her plate. She fell for the 5 cheese, protein extravaganza and was paying the price. I said something like "Oh never mind, you made a good effort", but that was a facade. Inside I was shaking my head. A rookie error had spelled defeat, and all that was left was for her to admit it and ask for a doggy bag; the diner's white flag.

Defeat is never pretty, but sometimes it's damn cute. (Photo from szrhnd on flickr)

It might have been a social obligation to politely finish with her, saying that I too had had enough, and leave the restaurant. Not me though. The third came up, and was soon put down.

Same with the forth.

Same with the fifth.

By now the waitress was wondering how a 150 pound man could eat this much pasta. She might also have been getting frustrated that she was having to go to the kitchen so many times to order more bowls. But I'm afraid that's OG's fault, I wish I could order more than one at a go. It's forbidden.  Also I'd been noticing a trend with the bowls as they came out. Each one had been getting progressively hotter in temperature. The fifth was piping hot, meaning it took me far longer to eat. I think the waitress sensed my weakness and went for the kill as I ordered the 6th.


They must have superheated the sauce, because this horseshit was well above 100 C. I even let it sit for a couple of minutes before finally giving into temptation and eating it. Wow! After two bites I couldn't feel my mouth anymore, but I was determined to finish the bowl. It was a painful 10, maybe even 15 minutes, as I somehow got through it. Enough was enough though; any thoughts of a 7th bowl was truly extinguished when I thought the next sauce up would have the ability to cauterise my tongue. 6 was a solid effort ($1.50 a bowl).


We paid up and then wandered over to REI where we got told off for putting on all the ski goggles when we obviously had no intention of buying them. But that's a different story.


The bottom line is that this is how the Olive Garden gets you to stop. They bring the heat. 

...Bastards

1 Can someone please give me an American sporting-reference "HELL YEAH"!?!